


Loud and Clear

by edna_blackadder



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-21
Updated: 2005-10-21
Packaged: 2017-12-07 08:07:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/746258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edna_blackadder/pseuds/edna_blackadder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After searching for Hawkeye the night before Trapper leaves, Radar learns more than he wanted to know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loud and Clear

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for the hashbash challenge on LJ. Prompt: "the downside of Radar's radar."

I know I’m gonna have to be the one to tell him, ’cause I don’t see or hear any signs of us finding him. And oh boy, I am not looking forward to that. I don’t like having to give bad news to good people, and Hawkeye is good guy, no question there. I already know what his face is gonna look like when I tell him, and I don’t want to see it.

It’s not that I’m afraid he’ll blame me, or something, ’cause Hawkeye is a fair man and he knows that it’s not my fault Trapper is going home. But I’m scared ’cause I can tell from Trapper’s face that he doesn’t really want me to find Hawkeye. He says he does, but I know he doesn’t.

Klinger and me have been searching for hours, and it doesn’t look like Hawkeye’s gonna turn up anytime soon, and we’re dead tired. It’s not like I get any sleep anyway what with there being a war on and all, but right now I’m confused. Trapper’s been looking over my shoulder for hours and tapping his feet and asking if we’re any closer to finding Hawkeye, and you’d think from the way he’s been asking that he was worried sick about him, but I know that he doesn’t want us to find him. And I don’t understand why. I mean, they’re best friends, right? So why doesn’t Trapper want to see him? They didn’t have a fight or something, did they? ’Cause that’d be real tragic. Most guys don’t get as close as they are, and it’s nice to see that kind of thing in a war zone, specially since all I’ve got now is my teddy bear.

I miss Colonel Blake. He didn’t know much, but he’d know what to do right now. I know he would. It just isn’t fair. He shouldn’t have died. He was a good man, like a father to me, and he was going home. I’m still having nightmares and I don’t know when they’re gonna stop. I never needed my teddy bear more than I did that night.

I guess I’ve got a sad look on my face because Trapper’s asking me what’s wrong, and Klinger’s also looking concerned. I don’t know how to say that I know, so when Trapper guesses it’s that I’m worried I won’t find Hawkeye, I just go back to the phone and let him think so. I want to ask him why, but I don’t know how.

Klinger and me keep looking, but Hawkeye’s just disappeared, it seems, and finally Trapper tells us to go to bed. Klinger almost trips on his skirt as he runs to get out of there, but Trapper doesn’t leave, and neither do I. That’s when he tells me what I already know: “I don’t know how to say goodbye to him.”

I don’t know what to say to that, so I guess I just look at Trapper before I finally say, “I don’t know, sir, a note always works.”

He shakes his head. He’s smiling at me, but it’s a bitter smile. I know that smile better than he thinks I do, because I get it all the time, and I don’t like it, I have to say. It’s the “Aw, Radar,” smile, the one that people give me right before they tell me what Trapper is saying now: “You don’t understand.” Usually it makes me mad, because I understand a lot more than they think I do, what with the reasons for my nickname and all, but I’m so confused now that I don’t say anything.

“Hawkeye’ll be upset,” Trapper continues, shifting. “Radar, do you remember when we thought I was leaving before, because of my ulcer?”

I nod. “Yes, sir.”

“Well, Hawkeye told me I was everything he had in this place, and he thanked me for having made it bearable. But I know he wanted to say more than that.”

I don’t know what to say to that, because I think it sounds awful nice, but I can tell that there’s something wrong, because Trapper isn’t happy about it. It’s then that realize he’s talking as much to himself as he is to me. “He didn’t say those words, but he’s said them before, when he was drunk, and I guess I wasn’t as drunk, because I remember and he doesn’t. How do I answer that in a note? I was dreading it enough when I thought it would be face-to-face, but this is worse. This is much worse.”

That’s when my radar kicks in all of a sudden and nearly knocks me off my feet. I know what Trapper’s thinking, and it scares me a little, and I start taking baby-steps towards the door. My head is spinning, because it’s loud and clear: “How do I tell my best friend that he loves me more than I love him?”

He wants to know how he can leave Hawkeye with nothing but a stupid letter that’ll break his heart. Hawkeye feels about Trapper the way most guys feel about their wives, or about their favorite nurses, or the way Major Houlihan feels about Major Burns. I don’t understand that, and now I really don’t know what I’m supposed to say to Hawkeye. “We really tried” just doesn’t sound good enough anymore, especially since I’m now sensing that Trapper doesn’t want to leave a note at all.

He doesn’t seem to notice that I’m backing away because he suddenly says, staring at the wall, “C’mere, Radar.” And I’m already walking towards him as he says it, because I’ve always followed orders like that, and I definitely heard this one coming. I don’t think I like the sound of it, but I’m standing in front of Trapper, my mouth half-open, when he bends down and kisses me on the cheek.

That’s bad enough, and I can’t jump backwards because his hands are on my shoulders and he’s got a firm look on his face. “Give that to Hawkeye.”

I’m nodding, and I’m saying, “Yes, sir,” because I can’t stop myself. And I know I’ll have to do it, as much as I don’t want to, because Hawkeye’ll want absolutely anything Trapper might have left for him, and it wouldn’t be right not to give it to him.

Trapper gives me a real smile then, and says, “Now go to bed. What would your mother say if she knew I’d kept you up this late?”

“She wouldn’t be up this late to say it, so my Uncle Ed would probably want to know who you were and all that—” I say that much before I realize he didn’t want an answer, and I’m blushing as I trail off. Trapper just pats me on the head as he walks out to have his last martini in the Swamp, without Hawkeye.

I don’t know about Trapper, but I won’t be getting any sleep tonight.


End file.
